the #6 from wendy's when stoned is definitely better than sex. i dont care what anyone says.
He tried to make eye contact, he should know by now that freaks me out
He is juggling broken glass botttles, I think its time to cut him off...
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
I found what appears to be half an E pill and part of a tooth in my pocket this morning
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
If I don't survive tonitght I would like to thank you for the ricekrispy treats. I am majestic
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
Ok I've processed it. Who the fuck makes out drunk in a parking lot in a backseat with the windows down in the middle of the day?!?!
I wouldn't even cut tickets or put ppl in jail I'd just hand out punches to the mouth and Liam Neeson throat chops
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
I probably won't go. Last time I got drunk with those guys I just started demanding people let me touch their beards.Then I mocked everyone who didn't have facial hair.
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
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