So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
Raise your hand if you bought 2 annoying girls shots of water. CLOWNS.
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
I bought a zebra print bikini, I'm gonna be honest here- if he doesn't want to have sex with me in this, he's gay.
Just made a coke joke and literally drooled on myself. How do we feel about pavlov's theory of conditioning now?
he confused my yawn for an orgasm
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
One reason I feel like garbage: Kraft single wine shots
Just saw the german running around on campus. Thought of his small penis.
As you should.
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
I've decided to take one for the team and bang the landlady for lower rent.
I think I'm taking after my dog, I just want to hump everything
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
Randomize
