I got my half for the rent already.I called the cops on the drug dealer neighbor and got a 500 bucks as a reward
You American Chicks are so confusing....1 day you are on my nuts next day you be trippin
Dude its not just American chicks...a small penis is the same in every language
MRIs the morning after St. Patty's Day was a poor choice.
I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking.
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
On a lighter note, my mom and I were playing scattergories, and for "things that you keep hidden" we both put dildo. Proof that we really are related.
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
I tried to text you about going to the Lion's Den but sent it to my boss. She was down for it. Please advise.
It was all going good until I realized she was wearing underwear with a butt flap. Mission aborted.
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
Randomize
