You know, if there were no such thing as marriage, i don't think porn would exist.
She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
Because ur a stupid bitch
Actually, I'm graduating from college on Saturday so that makes me a well educated bitch.
One date. That's all it took. I want to have his geunis babies in me. One date.
I am literally sitting on the toilet in utter disbelieve that last night even happened. My god that was only Monday.
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
Just asked my roommate if she needs one of my old pill bottles to hold her weed during our move tomorrow. What has grad school done to me?
You thought there were zombies attacking us so you tried to tuck and roll out of a moving vehicle. Also you should consider wearing underwear
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
Is there a lightning bolt coming out of your boner right now?!
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
Randomize
