i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
and then you went into taco bell without pants...and surprisingly you weren't the only one there without pants
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
If eating a cheesesteak naked doesn't make me feel better, then I don't know what will.
So this whole chlamydia situation totally puts a damper on my back to school sex schedule, there's just no way of knowing who of them was the perpetrator... Time for new candidates
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
And now we should drink to that moment where you realize you didn't exactly think things through.
Hey... Tell me if you remember differently, but nobody truly saw me naked, right?
I haven't been that free with the boobs since I was 19. I'm putting them away for a while.
If you insist
The one guy literally flopped my boob out. Yes I insist.
if i don't get grease into my system pronto i will undoubtedly die
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
But forealz I'm gonna need a solid 52 orgasms so hydrate.
I tried to take a cute nude but sneezed halfway through. I sent it anyway
I just tried to lit a bowl with my chapstick.
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