Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
i'm going to look back at this as the time of my life when i casually dated that autistic guy
Which one of you fuckers thought itd be funny to see if the kitchen table can float.
It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
He weighed maybe 130, his dick had to be 30 of it. SO BIIIIG.
I have to have boobs, you have the charm and wholesomeness that gets boyfriends... And i have boobs
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
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