I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
something had to give and with her weight the coffee table never stood a chance
no, that was the night I slathered your dick in the icing from my birthday cake
I vaguely remember having a 'grass is greener' conversation about our nipples. Dream or beautiful reality?
Beautiful, beautiful reality
I just took my birth control with a water bottle I found in my purse with vodka in it in Spanish class. 10am is still too early for me.
For the first time ever I'll be using my lunch break to pass out cold on my desk. We've gotta stop having these late night drinking things on Sundays
I feel like ass. I'm missing 12 hours of my life and all I have to show for it is an empty wendys bag. Those Shrooms were too much... When do we do it again?
Because making bad decisions is what makes our house great and I don't plan on changing that anytime soon.
Yeah she let me pull the goalie and wear my USA flag like a cape since it was the first day of the world cup
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
Fuck that guy and his dumb haircut and awesome dick
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
Thanks again for the coffee and orgasms
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
Randomize
