I have no idea who these bands are he's listening to. If his current playlist was a pandora station, however, it would be titled "music for closet cock gobblers"
I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
Hey, hey, hey, hey. This is a hurriCAN.
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
Have u seen my thong? Last time i saw it was drenched in vodka and on his brothers broken lamp.
Nah but tell him his boxers made it to the basement
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
Pencil dick carries the name proudly.
The great part about clubs is that you can fart everywhere and nobody knows! The bad part is I'm on e and i have nobody to fondle.
Is this a Beer, Vodka or Whiskey kind of problem solving night? It's imperative I stock accordingly.
Questions like that are why I love you.
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
No I don't. You owe me sex and cinnamon rolls.
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
Randomize
