Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
she looked at me completely serious and said "orgasms are 15% Stronger during a hurricane" and started to take all her clothes off
i love you man. i hope we fuck some serious shit up this summer.
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
She just walked up to him and was like "you should fuck Angela" and it worked! She is the ultimate wingman
I just want to give face wipes a shout out for being there when im too tired or high to wash my face at night
My trash can accurately represents my weekend: Bojangles wrappers and magnums.
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
If I'm legally allowed to go to jail than I should legally be allowed to tell a cop to fuck off. Basic principles.
Yea, but did you really have to throw a sandwich at him??
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
The walk of shame was so much longer today. i have to start fucking guys in my own postcode.
she just kept straddling the railing to the stairs and shouting "come on Seabiscuit, lets win this for America."
just hooked up with a guy ON MY CAMPUS VISIT. god only knows whats gonna happen when im actually a student
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