just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
In an m&m suit playing manhunt drunk. And you thought you werent guna have a good time
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
If 26 stitches didn't sober her up, nothing will.
Dude if it is ever said "everybody get inside the police helicopter just showed up.". That means it was a successful party.
Whenever I think to myself, "I don't work for a bunch of hours"... It's shot time?
Typing up notes at the bar and doing shots with the bartender until close on a Wednesday. This is what my second year of law school has become.
GOOD NEWS I CAN BRING THE VODKA IN MY LUGGAGE
Wait do you remember that guy last night asking to use my nose ring to open his beer.......
I literally farted midsex as a siren for him to get the fuck off me.. No such luck.
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
And I'm sorry for punching you in the face when I drunkenly threw my sandwich
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
He's the douchy one who wouldn't let me rip his shirt off, right?
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