Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
I know you don't remember, but the teeth marks on my face say it happened.
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
AND WHAT FELONIES DID I MISS OUT ON WHILE SLUMBERING!?
I'm just gonna eat nachos and wine fruit forever.
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
My roommate is downstairs drunk, smoking, and listening to a self help DVD. Please dear God don't let this be the Ghost of Christmas Future.
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
We grabbed as many adult diapers as we could and made a run for it.
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
Today one of my patients offered me pot brownies. Medical school worth it. Living the dream.
He can be a kind, caring soul but also give in to the temptation of eating unicorn ass.
Randomize
