I think dad's getting high again. His last google search was "awesome ping pong shit."
she kept checking the clock when she was giving me head and at midnight she said she had to stop because she cant eat meat on fridays is that bitch serious
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
She called to say she's single and blow job season is back.
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
Does Jim keep sending you pics of him in drag too???? If so, are you also slightly uncomfortable?
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
Just because he told you it was safe doesn't mean you should have licked it.
So just what does one wear when attending a sex toy party with ones mother-in-law?
Jeans and a nice top.
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
When you licked the fourth stranger's cheek the bar tender pretty much ordered us to get you out.
UGH FUCK THIS TRAFFIC I WANNA SUCK A DICK
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
Can you bring me some underwear? I feel uncomfortable going underwear less at a Remembrance Day ceremony.
Randomize
