it doesn't mae me god, the fact that I am god makes getting dressed futile and tedious... btw i am still drunk
As we walked into his room, he said welcome to the hurt locker. I should have left, but I love that movie.
I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
Oh, and my friends believe you should reimburse me for the brazilian that was gone to waste.
Let me start this apology by saying you were the finest piece of ass I ever had.
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
No, he's ok. He just broke his teeth on the stripper pole. No biggie.
Can an epipen be used as a tranquilizer ?
Curled up in the fetal position, trying not to throw up or think about my future, and humming songs from musicals to myself. You?
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
Whoa, I am aware of WAY too many squirrels right now...
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
it doesn't matter what you do now, you will forever be known as the girl who fell off the roof
nooooo! we need to brain storm. I need rebranding....what if I start always showing up with my cat or a wacky hat?
try again roofio
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
Randomize
