Okay, I have a threesome with foreigners and suddenly I'm a man-whore
Also, I just saw a woman change into her stripper outfit in the bathroom at Target.
A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
i just sent him like 8 different sexts and he texted me back about how good the hummus is that i left in his fridge.
Just found an unopened tied g of coke on the floor in her room... she thinks the maintenance guy dropped it earlier today. This takes the cake for sketchiest apartment.
i came home to her naked eating chilli on the living room floor. Stop giving her jager.
All three shower stalls were filled with couples fucking and then someone yelled "switch" and... We switched
I feel like im becoming the girl who only drunk texts him. I would be in the dog house, if situations like this had dog houses.
5% want to drink juice and feel better, 95% just want to touch your butt
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
If only he'd realize the fondness I have for his genitals.
Any chance he has an open marriage? That penis shouldn’t be wasted on one woman. It should be shared with all womankind, or at least me. I’m too good at sex to be deprived a penis that large
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