I'm about two and a half drinks away from gay.
I'm coming over.
Have you ever noticed how boring internet porn is after you cum? I can't shut my computer fast enough.
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
I have the Lakers game on, but all I can think about is having sex with you. Not sure what you've done here.
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
I inspected his penis with a mini flashlight to check for visible stds...he was clean
Dude, someone broke the toilet seat in two, the is a pair of panties on the kitchen counter, and the entire house smells like a brewery
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
We were tripping too hard to figure out to tell him where we were so we sent a picture of me laying outside the tent saying "find us"
A little, yeah. We were stealing firewood from the neighbors (drunk), and figured it would be 10 times harder to be angry with us if we got caught if we were naked, and 100% more hilarious.
Eating power bars and masterbating... That's kinda my life right now. Is this what having a boyfriend means?
Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.
The cat ate a weed mint. This is not a drill
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