That taco smell coming from your belly button was a huge turnoff
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
woke up this morning in the hall outside of my parents room with a sign taped to myself that said "im sorry"...
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
And you will no longer be getting a thank you note from my vagina
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
VOOOODKA VOOODKA WE PLEDGE OUR LOVE TO THEEEE VODKAAAA VODKAAAA SAVIOR OF LIBERTYYYY
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
Wow! It's so great to hear from you! We all thought you perished in Winepocalypse 2012, man.
Packing for college has become a game of where did I hide my sex toys.
Well. I mean as excuses for running late go, 'losing track of time in the bathhouse' has gotta be up there on the top ten.
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
I think it's time for tequila and I to go our separate ways
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