Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
UPDATE: In a passionate fit of self love, I brought myself to orgasm under the moon on my 7th floor balcony, ejaculating between the rungs towards the ground.
Unfortunately, I did not realize that most of it would end up on the balcony below mine.
At least you don't cum in color.
her vagina probably looks like a grenade went off in a deli
I was wondering where I've seen this kid then I remembered I saw him doing lines of blow of his gf's leg while she was sleeping last week.
There was an ice luge. Lets just leave it at that.
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
Just stuck all that extra cocaine money we made in a savings account...like a responsible adult..
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
No more twerking this week. I think I dislocated a boob.
What's the polite way to tell someone she's a grown ass woman and she needs to start acting like it.
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
Man, I'm real high and googling what all my favorite figure skaters from childhood are doing now.
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
Randomize
