There's a hobo dancing by himself. Is anyone going to ask how he got in the house?
I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
I think my penis got bigger when i lost weight
wtf
I'm guessing you saw the bathroom?
My mom and I are having a "yay I don't have herpes" shopping trip day
Last night in my drunkenness I bought hurricane supplies which included a jug of wine and a bouquet of flowers. Apparently I'm going to woo Irene.
nah, they dropped the charges. apparently ripping his junk when he tried to hop the fence seemed like punishment enough...
I LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE FOR 45 MINUTES AND ALL MY WHIPPED CREAM AND CONDOMS ARE GONE
Bjs and tacos. That's my life.
It's election day and I was just tied up with an American flag scarf
I woke up to pizza pinned to my wall. So that's that.
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
So his dick was definitely bigger than it looked in all the pictures he sent my daughter.
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
Randomize
