I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
i take joy in having bigger boobs than others
my roommate and her friend got reaallllly high last night and it looks like they played scrabble. one of their words is "nippal"
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
There was a pumpkin carving contest and we carved a very realistic dick about to penetrate a vagina. Our Christian Youth hosts were not happy.
I was just laughing and almost crying after I orgasmed, and then almost crying because I was laughing so hard. That's new.
Does he think you're psycho?
Officially...... yes.
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
This love triangle bullshit is getting out of hand. It's now a love polygon and I want out
My car has a permanent smell of sex to it now.
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
Every time Brady gets sacked I cum a little...
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
Randomize
