Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
they won't let me drive with my sombrero
Lightning struck the tree right outside of her window as I came inside her. I think its God's way of saying go by plan b.
Theres a picture of me with cut up clothes rolling in the policeman's lawn, I missed you, summer.
You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.
Maybe he meant to say like I love fucking you? But just forgot the fucking part.. That's what I'm telling myself.
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
I just remember going to take a piss and looking down on the floor and thinking "that looks comfortable" and then I was out.
Your vagina is not a steamboat from the 1800's
can you tell me why i woke up in a diaper and combat boots?
This is random but I just wanted to thank you for all the things you taught me sexually in life.
Randomize
