Theyre still fighting about whether its called america or the united states.
we seriously had to hang a plastic bag on his ears so he could throw up right into it.
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
So, do you ever feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE AND INTRICATE CONSPIRACY TO COCKBLOCK YOU AT ALL COSTS?
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
I was the girl at the bar last night passing out free condoms and making sure everyone knew how to use them to keep the population down
i don't knpow whats goin on i think theyre sacrificeing me to th tequila gods
I'm not the one who gave a guy that lives next door to my grandmother a blowjob in a pub bathroom in Ireland, you have no room to judge.
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
Dude he took a shit in the lake and it just floated around and lingered near our boat for 2 hours. I fucking hate that kid
but real talk, he made 1 phone call last night and had someone bring us tacos at 3am so idk I might be inlove
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
My theme for the night was drink diego drink! Unfortunately Dora was not there to navigate me to the bathroom
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