A guy on the street just growled at me and said damnnnn. Sometimes it scares me how attractive i am.
its impossible for me to find something that fits my tits my muffin top and my ass all at the same time
We played "race the Jimmy John's driver". Order, then see if we can finish sex before the food arrives.
The fact that its 530pm and I'm saying to myself I should sober up since I'm at a family establishment should say enough
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
Should I take my grandma to a keg tomorrow or not? Serious question
I'm not saying you did or didn't sleep with him but he's has your thong hanging from his ceiling fan
One of those days. Also, your pants are now in my protective custody.
Not sure. He doesn't know where New York is on a map but he gives an incredible spanking.
Who cares about New York?
You merely adopted the alcohol. I was born into it. Molded by it. I didn't see the hang over until I was a man and by then it was only blinding.
Tuesday Boozeday turned into What-the-fuck-were-you-thinking Wednesday real fast.
YOU CANT FOOL THE TOILET
I think I got into an argument with my cat's former owner about what a BDSM relationship entails.
Came home to butt plugs and dildos in the bathroom sink WTF
Spring cleaning
i have officially smoked myself stupid. went to wally world to buy soap and toothpaste but got 4 potpies and 2 dessert pies instead. fail.
Randomize
