ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
my boyfriend just said he'd go down on me if I gave him my password to facebook
for our anniversary he stepped it up a notch and bought cool whip rather than the store brand. i was impressed.
chicago's viagra triangle is not unlike the bermuda triangle in thatt things just get lost...... planes, ships, dignity, virginity, etc.
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
Given my current decline of critical thinking and capacity for speech it's probably best u call the cops
Uhm after 8 I don't recall anything. All I know is there's a picture of me playing pong with my grandmother.
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
I turn into such a nice and loving person when I take Vicodin
I just had to explain my bite marks to my allergy doctor when she gave me my shots...You're the best <3
So if you wanna come get your pants you can. But you have to come in your boxers. Rules are rules!
I don't want to just hook up with random dudes. I've had enough bad sex to know that it's not worth hooking up with strangers
It's not?
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
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