im never drinking mad dog again and i have your belt.
I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
I had to fart so bad so i let it go hoping it would be quiet, it was loud and shit came out!!! and i couldnt leave because her parents were behind me
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
Working out to an exercise video on OnDemand. Also, drinking beer and eating cream cheese with a side of bagel in between stretches.
If I die I am blaming you for not answering to tell me the proper dosage of horse tranquilizers to take
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
I'm disgusted with myself. I feel like I need 10 boxes of Summer's Eve and a baptism.
They should make eskimo sister bracelets. OMG WE NEED BRACELETS WITH IGLOOS ON THEM.
literally who communicates this much post-hookup why r u like this
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
Randomize
