tell her no need for introductions. and that you've read about her on the back of toilet doors.
Can you explain my first weekend back, because there a lot of blacked out gaps and 32 friend requests i would like to know about
He's really hot. I think he's gonna be my reason to shave this winter.
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
I dislocated my rib eating pizza. I think I am broken.
Of course the bar would go completely silent right as I yell out "I don't have AIDS"
Stand up sex. Extremely, extremely difficult. I now know how pointe dancers feel.
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
I was just doing the math on how much beer we need for the houseboat. in doing so, I came to the conclusion that we need to open a beer distributor business.
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
I faked more orgasms with him then ever should be allowed for someone this pretty.
I love when groups of boys part so I can walk through. It's like a red sea of penises, and I am their Moses.
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
I mean you're asking high Chelsea. I'd sell myself for a rice crispy
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