he's 24. he finally texted me instead of using facebook chat. baby steps.
Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
this dude, we had a connection. he kept smiling at me. it's like he knew i was gonna facebook stalk the fuck out of him
But seriously who drew a dick on a tortilla and nailed it to the door?
Sometimes turtles just really trip me out man
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
When I was sick she came over with Call of Duty, animal crackers and a handjob. Honor says I can't dump her until Easter
Can I fire a pigeon out of a t shirt gun?
I just want somebody to fondle my boobs while I read fanfiction. Is that too much to ask?
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
No reason. My tongue went numb after one shot. I may die tonight
Randomize
