and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
he whipped it out and it smelt like my toilet after taco Tuesday
since we're both too lazy to go to each others house, you drink there, i'll drink here and we'll skype. it's the same thing.
my mom just asked me, concerned, if I swallowed.
Hey, you guys have all had chicken pox, right?
It was horrifying, i havent seen a girls mouth open that wide since that one episode of Goosebumps..
Why didn't I see you last night!?
We made out like 4 times....I think I saw you.
His IQ level must rival that of a comatosed aardvark.
I called her 20 times. Apparently she went home to do MORE shots before bed. Didnt miss me until this morning. WHO FORGETS THEIR HIGHSCHOOL SISTER AT A FRAT?
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
Poking every semi-decent guy on Facebook in the hopes that one of them will want to hook up with me tonight. So far all i've accomplished is 5 new poke wars which i will most certainly continue after this weekend.
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
No, you are in the clear. The police officer finally just said "I give up" and walked away.
Randomize
