In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
I accidentally burped into my bong.
the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
were lost, were cold and we don't know what to do with the stray cat we found.
I want a burrito.
Truly, you are the voice of a generation.
he had a Pillsbury dough boy tattoo to remind him of his drug dealing days
Tuesday Boozeday turned into What-the-fuck-were-you-thinking Wednesday real fast.
I was so high I didn't realize I'd put on someone else's bra. I thought my boobs had shrunk.
Dude, my sex life is so sad since I started having feelings.
Sleeping with just one person sucks
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
We peed on campus in the middle of the tailgate and then hit on a married cop that asked you to stop touching him
I cannot believe I accepted his penis into my body.
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
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