I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
My girlfriend figured out who you are.
lets start a swedish sibling band together
During sex she told me I could do anything I wanted to her. You remember that toy lightsaber we bought at Wal Mart?
are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
I hope whoever gets these locks of love doesn't have a drug test anytime soon
it glows. i had to have it.
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
Passing out on a toilet is not classy no matter what you're wearing. Not even a pea coat.
It's all fun and games until some random starts jerking it on the deck.
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
Randomize
