also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
Funny thing- my attraction to each one is inversely proportional to his level of availability.
whatcha mean you cant get rid of genital warts? thats not what my girlfriend says
i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation
You should have been there. We got drunk and threw a sword through his windshield.
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
Would be in best interest to sanitize the DVDs
Why didn't you tell me I was calling her by her sisters name all night?
Got to use the phrase "sweet pukas dude." My day is made.
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
Just went to jump into bed... Completely missed the bed.
Randomize
