omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina
Her life must suck. All she's got is "Miss Shamrock" WHICH SHE LOST!
May or may not have just drunkenly opened my christmas presents. Greatly disappointed. Might break up sooner.
just masturbated through my pocket at the library. hope you're enjoying your saturday night out.
he just told me he'd rather go to the pirates game. i know it was desperate but i said id give him roadhead if he let me come along.
Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
He was literally going down on me and giving me a foot rub AT THE SAME TIME. What more can I ask for?
I feel like we should apologize to the light saber. We were REALLY inappropriate with it last night.
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
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