If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
There is too much vodka and too much dick.
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
its really sad that i have to specifically make this a rule but, absolutely no lighting smoke bombs indoors at my birthday party.
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
I got home and laid by the toilet and then alexa laid in the bathtub and sang the preamble while kayla held my hair
It's getting harder and harder to find People to carry her home
She shouldn't drink
I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
It was a blind-side dick pic.
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
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