You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
It smells like Drakkar Noir and desperation out here.
That's why you should quit smoking.
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
Is it gay to rub my penis between my butt cheeks and pretend that they're tits?
Wow! You need to get laid.
I had fun last night. We should have sex less often.
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
You know you're an adult when you break 100 to get 75 cents, to buy a condom from a bar vending machine in South Boston.
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
I just want to have normal problems like what kind of puppy to get, or should I pay a hooker to fuck Scott, or even a dilemma about fucking Twizzlers. I don't know.
Hold your horses dude. Titty pics are a work of art.
My gay card got upgraded to platinum status today.
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
what's your room number? I've never been there sober...
I'm sure he likes you too... but your boyfriend is kind of a cockblock
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