You should see what I'm doing to your stuffed animals
she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
5am is far to early to be on jagerbomb number 6 right now
With any luck I will spend the duration of this flight with my tray table up my seatbelt securely fastened and my face in his lap
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
Just thought i'd let you guys know that my dad was roofied at a lesbian bar last night...
im so proud of her that she got shit faced finally. This must be what it feels like to see you kids get their diploma or some shit.
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
ever had one of those days where you say fuck it and lick the inside of a bag of chips
Now some guy that's in my phone as " Alex lip ring hot" is texting me and I don't where life is taking me
this is definitely the first time I've ever had an orgasm and then had potatoes smeared on me within the same hour
Giving the guy pizza was a good idea. Leaving him naked on the pool table makes you my hero
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
just stepped out my front door and let the wind dry my naked body because I was too lazy to go search for a clean towel that may not even exist. I could live like this forever
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