Just found my DARE notebook from 6th grade. Extacy was starred and highlighted.
At least I've made one childhood dream come true
On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?
He thinks MY vagina is tight. That's saying something.
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
Got home. Hugged Mom. The look on her face indicated she noticed nipple rings.
We did however see an 87 year old guy die and get resuscitated last night at the bar. He then finished his beer and his game of pool.
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
Mom just told me I need to start having sex.
Is there one of me peeing? If so do I look bangable in it
he threw an umbrella that he ripped out of the table at the fence like he was harpooning a whale while the owner of the bar was outside then tried to blame it on an old man...
He was so wasted he lit his sink on fire with shit he found in his room....it was smokeless. Chemistry majors drunk = the coolest shit ever.
Randomize
