are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
I just chased the everclear with Listerine...I think I found my new chaser!
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
In less than 3 minutes we had 3 security guards running after us
just saw someone in just a bathrobe not even tied shut run to the bathroom with a facefull of cum. Someone had a good night
Oh trust me, i am. It's like magic, but instead of rabbits and doves its orgasms- He just keeps pulling them out of nowhere.
So glad I decided to show up and puke in your trashcan.
These are the moments that bond souls forever.
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
We held a candle light vigil outside the jail hoping for her release, until we realized we were drunk in the jail parking lot.
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
Lol, yeah it'll be fun,but will it be cereal and dick pics fun?
Gonna be late for work. Sex comes first. Priorities.
I think it's your fault my nipples aren't sensitive anymore.
just ran into my father at CVS while buying condoms...he winked at me. I really need to move out of this town.
Randomize
