Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
He's got a wife and three kids but I'm into being that mistake.
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
We had to leave the bar because you were trying to show the bartender your boobs for water.
I taped a pair of scissors and a coupon for a waxing on the door. He gets to choose.
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
If I ever see that bitch it is going down flavor of love style
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
Every time you talk about your facial hair I immedately get horny
i swear to god it was like we were fucking in 9 dimensions
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
I found a hair colour I want in a porn.
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
This is a long quiet interstate without somebody to sext.
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
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