Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
If I had a clone, I'd fuck it with a condom
this is something i pride myself on being below average for
Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
Although I commend your efforts to keep my penis away from her, your sister is now booty walking up my stairs. Good game though, good game.
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
if i do community service solely to impress a guy, everyone wins, right?
except your soul
I think I've been there, but who knows? I drink a lot
sorry I blacked out our whole relationship
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
Randomize
