dude. late night with jimmy fallon isnt even funny. the people in the audience there to see him dont even think hes funny.
kinda like you and your friends.
sorry about calling you the devil all night.
I am currently eating pure cake frosting...I am not sure how I was ever referred to as a responsible adult.
I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
I'm sorry, the person you're trying to reach is WAYYY too high to deal with this right now.
I think I'm getting sponsored by the Mexican Drug Cartel for the start of my poker career. It was an interesting night at the bar. One word, Vegas.
who is that guy in your bed? he looks like jesus..way to keep it festive
She made me a smoothie in the morning.. It was vodka and fruit.
So you don't take a regular pic with her, but you take a selfie with her ass. Interesting...
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
It’s amazing such a big dick belongs to such a boring guy
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