I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
Four minutes until I can fart!
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
Who takes their shirt off at the bar?! Classy broad
I do. In all fairness there was someone else's blood on it.
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
I was kind of torn between "Wow, this is awkward," and "Wow, my therapist is hung."
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
I'm going to try and loofah my hangover away.
Update: It didn't work
Why am I not blowing coke off your ass at my apartment?
I woke up on my girls floor with a pound of muenster cheese in my shirt pocket
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
I'm either hallucinating or there is a dying cat outside my apartment....
Omg I just looked in my purse from last night.. 10 bags of gummy bears.
they just got in argument over who had more of your dick pics. quit sending shit to my sisters fucker
Randomize
