Do you know that poor pathetic girl that we should be friends with
i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
I want to apologize 3 days in advance for what's about to take place on St. Patrick's day.
So, how do I go about conveying: I'm sorry, yet very glad she is having my abortion. Via text msg?
Some great men died of syphilis. I accept your compliment.
Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?
Let's just say that watching the sunrise in a space helmet is really the only way to do it.
There's a point around the one and a half minute mark where the keg stand goes from impressive to pathetic
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
I just started the bonfire using a tampon. Who knew they could have multiple uses?
I found a video on my phone from last night... You got up on the table at McDonald's and screamed BURRITOOO!
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
I woke up the whole house screaming I need my shorts they found me in the kitchen with a bag of strawberries naked
Last night I made out with two lesbians while dancing with another girl. I'm pretty sure it wasn't even real life.
guess who smoked weed with their grandpa tonight. and no it wasn't me.
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