Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
What kind of friend are you? You don't even blackout anymore.
Just found a "how to get laid" book on the dresser and am now a victim of method number 16 corollary 7.
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
You are going to be so proud of me, I'm wearing underwear AND tights. That's two layers more than usual between my vagina and the world.
You almost make it sound as if getting an education to further your career is more important than beer and tacos.
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
i was trying to figure out what "tidy fucking" was when i realized he meant "titty fucking" and i need to start banging smarter people....
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
We will let tequila do the talkin this weekend
the last thing i heard from her was "i wanna get fucked by a stranger" and i haven't seen her since
just found the "let's take a picture before we do these roommates" before picture
thank god there was never an after picture.
Randomize
