You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
I started the year with 2,800 dollars and am now down to 83 dollars-one of which i use to snort my focalin. I have given up on food and am perplexed as to how I can make 82 dollars last more than two weekends for booze
For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.
On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?
My boobs grew. They knew we were going to vegas.
Last time I stayed at my moms my fucking car got set on fire sooo maybe I should think this through.
I'll always be here to give you immoral support.
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
It's sitting in bleach right now. You will be the creepiest coolest dude in my book if you made a bracelet from my tooth.
I asked for my Beats earbuds back and he sent me a pic of them tied around his penis. Now I miss both my great ear buds and his great dick
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
I feel like I'm in a development meeting for a Lifetime original movie.
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
Randomize
