he looked like jesus. just the kind of jesus i would have sex with.
please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
im flying all the way to minnesota to see him for four days... cutest-best-friend-reunion or most-epic-booty-call-ever?
who says it cant be both...
It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
Are you really this nice or are you just trying to get in my pants?
Both?
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
Took me 10 minutes of oral to finally get him hard for like 30 seconds of sex until he came and passed out. Def not worth the ROI.
Funny, 'cause his story is it went great. He faked passing out so he wouldn't have to do anything in return.
Living in the dorms has served one purpose and one purpose only for me: to teach me that pooping in public bathrooms is okay and that I can do it
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
I left when you were using your mug to lay on the street and ask for spare change
Just because you have put things in my vagina does not mean you know me
I'm so happy for you. But I still have to shave because a woman has needs and this woman needs an orgasm.
does 2pm fall under the wake n bake category?
He has a syndrome called asshole. And it flares up 24/7.
Anything special planned for Valentines Day?
Does testing the strength of my coworker’s marriage count?
Randomize