I felt like Norm from Cheers walking into the free clinic.
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
Seriously though a big penis is like a puppy dog, or a sunny day or some other glorious thing
You are such a penis elitist
he's like a horny 3rd grader on cocaine. he needs a leash
He drives a tundra! Of course I fucked him. Im just saying eventually im going to need help moving and he has a nice truck. Its like thank you for later on
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
My new boobs got me 12 drinks at the concert. Whose the real winner here?
Really, who hasn't had sex on your bed?
ME.
you can't let guys come on your chest and then hog my blanket
FUCK and YOU. times 10. To infinity and beyond. You bastard. Worst. Cockblock. Ever. I'm going to nail your sister.
I only drink at bars with bathrooms big enough to have sex in.
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
Randomize
