My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
I'm having post traumatic stress flashbacks of last night. That big. Don't know whether to call him again or change my name...
Getting too drunk for the hot dog vendor to serve me is possibly a sign of an alcohol problem. I threw up in the sewer grates next to his stand
I had no idea a 5'8 girl could fit entirely on her knees in front of the passenger seat of a Sunfire, but I am very happy to now have that knowledge.
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
that bitch in the red sedan is still teasing me with the ice cream cone. i'm going to show her my dick
We left the bar in 2 bicycle cabs. It cost thirty bucks and they took us to the wrong hotel. When we finally made it to the right one we ended up in a room with three randos from alaska. Jammed out with them for like an hour. Those inuits are good guitar players
You're really doing everyone a disservice by wearing pants all the time.
Seriously, I want to give you a plaque thanking you for your dedicated service to my vagina.
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
Yah. Then he started clapping my boobs together in his hands and started shouting "the seas are angry!"
She started crying, nearly punched a guy, started smoking multiple cigarets backwards and broke the slide on her bong. Why do I always end up babysitting the crazy ones?
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
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