just thought you should know that she got home at about 6am.... totally wasted. she was locked out and when i finally came to the door she was on a patio across the street with some random making hotdogs on somebodys elses bbq.
But I don't consider them one night stands. They're auditions.
I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
If I have to take him to the hospital, I'm drawing dicks on his face
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
Apparently it's poor taste to ask for a break up blow job...in McDonald's. Also, that's not the best way to break the news either.
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
Throwing up in his bed is not a step up in your relationship
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
Never thought going to McDonald's alone at 3 AM would end with a blowjob outside some random girl's apartment...
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
i just wanted have a romantic star gaze moment with him. untill he let out a massive fart.
Randomize
