She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
You were shirtless with a cowboy hat in 15 degree weather then u shotgunned a can of mixed vegetable Progresso soup
Chasing a shot of svedka with a clementine is NOT the same as tequila w lime...
Just rented the SCUBA equipment. Meet me at the pool to test the underwater beer bong idea.
Like if there was an award for best way to take a girls virginity, he would get a standing ovation. And first prize. Probably a bunch of roses too. That good.
you tried turning the bar into a spelling b competition last night and every time someone couldn't spell something you would make them chug.
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
i want to have his babies. i NEED to. shit i wont even ask for child support, he's that goodlooking.
i feel like spreading the word of drunken joy.
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
My memory of last night is a delicious blur of tits, ass, and alcohol.
I'm gonna have to get a lube sherpa.
i left you alone for two hours TWO HOURS & when i got back i had to rush you to the hospital because you were covered in Smooth Away pads & drinking the bong water..
You said you're gonna end your night with a six pack and awful erotica
Randomize
