he was like a christmas ornament you would hang on the back of the tree....not great but still made the cut.
Springtime is officially here. I just used pool water to fill up the bong
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
at first i was worried but she assured me her frail vegan body would have no chance at conception.
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
I'll be there. With Doritos and whisky. Don't expect much more.
Apparently i asked the cab driver how much the ride was going to cost, (he said about $25) then i offered him 50 to let me drive the cab...
I ripped the door frame off last night too. Just remembered.
Just found weed in my belly button. Happy Saturday!
She tried to beat him up using a half gallon of Bacardi, instead she got tangled in Kayla's hanging bra and broke a lamp. She can party with us anytime.
I'm crying and shaving my Bronco playoff beard
I'm honestly wondering if my vagina did something to offend the universe
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
The best walk of shames are on the highway
Randomize
