i just saw a guy carrying a medieval times commemerative glass filled with vomit.. there were 2 people cheering him from behind
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
time for a it's-monday-night-and-this-week-is-gunna-suck-drink.
he kept asking me if i had been in a pool or a lake recently, i didnt want to say i know where the swimmers ear came from. shower sex.
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
He was a bulldog and my face was like rare meat. Never again with the drunken ones.
He's either jacking off or listening to Kanye West.
I cant believe they held hands while getting simultaneous bjs
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
I just woke up tangled in fishing line while wearing someone else's bathing suit with fishes drawn all over me. What kind of sex did we have?
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
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