I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
dude, when you're random girl from last night came down the stairs this morning she fell all the way down. I laughed. She just walked out. I hope shes ok. Tell her I give her a 10 for that landing though.
You're just telling me nice things because you came in my eye.
I just realized I'm not towing a trailer. I thought this whole drive home I was towing a trailer. Wow too high
I'm gonna wear that dress that makes me look like a slut. You know, the one your sister got arrested in.
Is it a good time to tell him he's getting too clingy if he sent me a picture of my name spelled with Cheerios?
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
On the upside, no one went to the hospital! Lex's friend was definitely on fire at one point last night though because he tried to juggle tiki torches. He was shirtless this morning and smelled like a BBQ.
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
I just want a relatively mentally stable guy with tattoos and facial hair that loves Captain America as much as I do and will fuck me the way I deserve to be fucked, is that too much to ask for?
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
I am downtown smoking a joint with Woody Harrelson...Because our car won't start. I will be there as soon as I can.
Randomize
