I have this horrible feeling I'm going to blackout tonight & only be able to say 'wasabi bobby' over & over again.
it was like his penis was on wheels.
True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
I didn't cheat on him. Cheating means finding out. I made sure he was at work first. After the guy left I got shitfaced just so nothing seemed out of the ordinary when he came home.
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
My professor complimented me on the well drawn penis on my face then asked if I would like a seat closer to the garbage can.
he's speaking broken english and calling me isaac.. this is not the australian i ordered for a one nighter
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
So I was about the only one NOT pregaming or stoned at my aunt's funeral... Maybe thats why I'm the black sheep.
Just so we're clear this time around: This is dinner with my FAMILY. Not an opportunity for you to drink too much, and use the word "dick-thumpin" in casual conversation.
Im shrooming at the foot of a tree on top of a mountain. Feeling fly as fuckin socrates and bon iver.
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
I'm 50% sure my cousin put weed in these deviled eggs.
hey dude my crackhead idol just taught me a great way to tie shoes
Do you have a moment to talk about our lord and savior, Kendra's boobs?
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