fyi, take the long route to the library. the "can i be your baby daddy?" homeless man migrated back for winter
franzia sundays are my new favorite holiday
I took chris brown's side in the conversation ... cut to me not getting laid tonight
She can't drink and she can't smoke weed. She might as well be dead to me.
homeboy just tried to sext with me at 8:30 in the morning while I was on a job interview...
so you did it...
obv...but still...it was inconsiderate.
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
I'm that hungover student in class ... On a wednesday morning
Omg I think I'm in the wrong class
thats because you have standards... and i have a thing for guys that give me free drugs.
IDK DUDE BUT HE TIED IT WITH A SHOELACE SO I GOTTA FREE SHOELACE OUTTA THE DEAL. THIS GIVES A NEW MEANING TO LACED DRUGS
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
She has the best kind of daddy issues
I literally woke up walked into the bathroom, threw up and died this morning. Then went to my 8am.
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
Randomize
