my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
every single one of us blacked out. we woke up the next morning and it was like the night never happened. IT'S STILL A MYSTERY
I just watched a guy pee from a second floor window onto the line of 100 people waiting to get in.
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
We're drinking vodka. Wine is for people who have to wake up in the morning.
"You can go raw dog up in me". Exact words. I can't decide whether to run, or fuck. Help.
I'm about 95% it's a collapsed lung. Go big right?
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
When dealing with embarassing medical issues, don't you want your brother's wife to be the one fishing around up your ass?
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
Randomize
