Next time, if you wake and bake, make sure you nail the wake part. Not easy to explain to mum. Or the fire brigade.
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
yea im pretty sure it has something do with my love of forearms...
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
Quick!! What's a good reason for me to have rug burn on my chin?
He actually just looked up and said I'm gonna cum in my pants. and he did. no shame.
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
Is there such thing as a tasteful dick pic? I think I just got one if they exist.
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
May I the honors of taking your dick tonight?
The honor would be all mine.
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
I have serious attachment issues. I just realized how long its been since ive smoked out of my bong and I feel guilty for dis owning it this week
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