I definitely ripped a mole off of her back in the process
apparently i found nail polish and started playing a game i made up called "paint a nail, do a shot"
He warned me he may piss the bed. I'm oddly okay with this.
Just ordered an appetizer sampler to distract the fat chicks so we can escape
We should celebrate the resignation of Berlusconi tonight with too many bottles of wine and sambuca. We're allies, right?
Your smile makes me feel like I'm frolicking through a field of gummy bears.
I just singed the hair in my nose trying to re-light a joint. now all i can smell is burnt hair. day ruiner
This stupid maranara sauce stain sucks. It keeps distracting me and it looks like I'm staring at my tits.
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
reason #1 why i should never live alone: i haven't put pants on since she left 26 hours ago. and ive made spaghetti 3 times.
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
He didn't even get to the first chorus of Hotel California before he started convulsing on top of me.
He literally poured blue Gatorade on me after we had sex and said "good game" all over my white sheets
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
Randomize
