is it sad that i can describe this night as "the night that i was sober" and we all know which night it was. like literally one night of sobriety.
This is even worse then that time I fucked a guy just because he had air conditioning.
Dude I broke my bong in half this morning. I kicked it as I was jerking off. I would never hide anything from you.
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
There are regrets in my world today- mostly jager at that fucking altitude
at least the person I hooked up with donates to charity, the shirt I was wearing this morning was his relay for life shirt.
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
I just spent 20 mins in the shower washing n rewashing my body to get rid of stripper. I even loofa'd my face.
I was riding him and in the middle he literally said "fuck yeah, Amy Winehouse"
Our house rule in beer pong, is that if you get the ball in the bitch cup.... you have to snapchat your balls to everyone on your friends list.
No,she came up with a new game: "Where is the most interesting place I can show Drew my asshole?"
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
If we had a dog do you think we would be less hoe-y?
Nah
I just had a man tell me he was going to think about me when he was fucking his wife tonight. This is my proudest moment as a gay.
That man makes my giblets tingle
Congrats? I think?
Randomize
