I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
Then he told me he was 40. I'm not sure if I have enough Daddy issues to go for it
Semi hypothetical question. Do you think its physically possible to bruise your clit?
He tried to bang a 300 pounder last night. No joke. I shotgunned a tall boy in a bar cuz the bartender didn't crack the beer. Cant wait till Nashville.
She's drinking vodka out of a windex bottle. She is spraying it in her mouth and at strangers.
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
Wrestling for my wallet turned into us almost having sex in the middle of the hallway
I successfully convinced a drunk NDSU student that their school does not have a football team and another that they weren't in Fargo. I'm a dangerous sober shark in a sea of drunks.
I DONT UNDERSTAND NIPPLES. THEY JUST POP OUT FOR NO REASON
Well somebody's had a rough day, nipple-wise
Help everyone's hot
Men are hot women are hot non-binary people are hot aliens are hot
Yeah I mean subtle isn't how I'd describe your flirtation strategy last night
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
Try sleeping with him.
Why is it that all my gay friends have that solution...
Cuz you will have an answer or have sex.
Randomize
