I skipped class, don't know why though bc all I did in the meantime was cook pancakes and watch infomercials..my life sucks
he called me back to his office so he could lick a line of pixie stick off of my thigh
be sure to add "office slut" to your resume
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
i offered her breakfast shots. she politely declined.
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
I've smoked enough weed to put down a pony.
I JUST ATE A STRANGE BURRITO, I SHOULD NOT BE EXPECTED TO KNOW ANYTHING RIGHT NOW.
There's jello in my purse I have a mysterious glow stick and didn't sleep with anyone my god I'm 3 for 3 tonight
I woke up with your vibrator in my face
Okay, so when I go to meet your grandma, let's do a quick cum check to we don't have another "what's that on your face?" situation.
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
It just so happens all of their names are Ryan, so I never have to change whose name I moan.
i accidentally gave my stepdad ketamine so id say it was a fun weekend.
you asked how they got the microwave in the air. we had to explain three times that it was mounted there until you finally feel asleep
Randomize
