her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
just found a sign outside my brothers door "not going to church, don't even try" and he is covered is vomit in his bed.
Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
"Hung over, tired and having a faint scent of some body butter and random pieces of glitter from a girl named gigi, almost arrested in drug bust, $40 Canadian in my pocket and all i got was this lousy Tshirt" shirts dont exist, but they need to
he came within less than a minute of me blowing him. this was our second night hanging out in a row. for an almost 30 year old italian man, he is NOT living up to his country's reputation
Someone better explain the burnt stove marks on my bed.
Dude she's on meds. He has a ginormous penis. Ur A dumbass. That concludes our feelings chat. Dim Sumday?
you got us kicked out of the restaurant for trying to pee in the trash can.
I was throwing up in the shower. He was throwing up on me. It was a cute couple moment for us.
I'm having a really difficult time dealing with the fact that my dog now shares a name with Snooki's crotch-spawn.
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
I could definitely fill a shot glass w my cum
please don't
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
LOL he's a hopeless romantic now? 🤔 I'd say giving him a bj in a freakin softball dugout isn't the most romantic thing but it still happened
Just puked in front of a high school tour group. Based on the standing ovation, we have a solid group of freshman coming in this fall.
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