Have you learned any life lessons?
I like big butts and I cannot lie.
I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
yeah a little bit of me felt bad about it. But the rest of me was having sex with him.
Currently getting "blaow" buzzed into my pubes. How's your thursday?
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
I'm actually drinking gin and juice out of a floridas natural carton...so if that has any indication of how I'm doing
Fine line between drunken accidental sleepover with your best friend's lab partner and gay sexathon. I did a cartwheel over that line. A CARTWHEEL THAT LANDED IN HIS LAP
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
I think I was high. I asked a dude at chillis if they had a cereal buffet
So I scratched the whole boyfriend plan and got wasted. Wanna try again tomorrow?
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
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