Do you ever think God made girls unattractive around their periods as a warning?
Stop. He threw up in front of Madison Square Garden security. Spit at the guys feet and grunted ughhh at him.
im not sure. I kicked him in the ear last night trying to kick a plastic cup off his head to prove I can kick higher than anyone.
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
Boss out of town. Had 2 beers for lunch, a long walk and a bowl...and then in he comes. Blamed obvious intoxication on my pain meds. Back at the bar. This is one of those bad judgement days.
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
Will you rub my calves while I masturbate?
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
I see the guy who's been trying to get me to let him eat my ass became engaged on Facebook today; would framed screen shots be an appropriate wedding present?
You started having a threesome right in front of me.
lololol that's what happened?
Stephanie looked me right in the eye while she was going down on you. It made me really uncomfortable.
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
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